Step parents

Whether you are single or bringing children into a new marital union, being a stepparent can be a rewarding responsibility when wisely assumed . 

What comes to mind when you think of a stepfather? A family comedy that was supremely successful, it told the story of two people who decided to unite their families and make them one, that comedy was known as The Brady Bunch . Undoubtedly, many of the people who are considering becoming stepparents think about that program and the dynamics that were created within that imaginary family.  

But marriage, being a parent, or being a stepfather is not a matter to be taken lightly. They are serious business.

When a man and a woman are considering marriage, they are wise to seek advice on different matters such as compatibility, family, finances, and other important aspects. The same principle applies when a person wishes to become a spouse or stepfather.

Before starting a new family

Before becoming a stepfather, consider what you will need to do to have a good relationship with the children in your new family. Patience and understanding are two essential characteristics for a potential stepfather. These two qualities are especially important when dealing with issues such as:

Children who still hope that their biological parents will be together again.

Children who have a close relationship with the divorced biological father / mother.

Be seen as a "replacement" when one of the birth parents has died.

To be seen as the one who "broke" the marriage of the biological parents.

Build a meaningful relationship with stepchildren.

New stepparents must realize that close relationships based on trust do not happen overnight. Children of divorced parents may feel that they have been abandoned or that their parents divorced because of them. These feelings can create a whirlwind of emotions — and some may not be healthy.

A stepfather trying to buy his way into the children's lives or just being the friend is very likely to receive a painful surprise. Children, especially teenagers, may perceive hypocrisy or false flattery from miles away.    

In contrast, children who get to know the potential stepfather before marriage generally feel less pressure and may thus be able to more easily accept the relationship when it occurs. If the stepchildren know that the new stepfather really cares about them, it will be easier for them to accept and admire the new father in their life.

Of course, circumstances vary and each child has his own personality and concerns. Some children quickly accept the new family, others take longer to adjust.

Stepparents' transition

The advice to take things easy is not something that people like to hear nowadays, in fact, if you have plans to become a stepfather, this is the best formula. If you have never had children, you will have the opportunity to help the biological father raise responsible children. If both parties are bringing children to the new family (family mix), a wonderful opportunity awaits them to establish and build new relationships between adults and children.

The stepfather's transition brings with it many variables, including not only the new spouse but also the children of the new spouse and the ex-partner of their new spouse. Because there are often strong emotions involved, acting with caution, prudence, and care can bring great benefits while you assume the role of stepfather.

Your love and care will shine as you set a good example visible to all. Just remember that relationships take time to flourish and grow.

According to KidsHealth , other factors that may impact stepparent transition include: 

"How old are the children. When it comes to adjusting and forming new relationships, younger children generally adapt better than older children. 

“How long have you known them. In general, the longer you know the children, the better the relationship will be. There are exceptions (for example, if you were friends with the parents before they separated and are blamed for the separation), but in most cases having a history together makes the transition smoother. 

"How long did it last dating the person before getting married. Again, there are exceptions, but usually if you don't rush into the relationship with the adult, children perceive that you are long-term committed. 

How good is the relationship of your new spouse with the ex-partner. This is a critical factor. Few conflicts and open communication between ex-partners can make a big difference in how easily children accept you as their stepfather. It is much easier for children to transition to new life plans when adults keep negative comments private. 

"How much time do the children spend with you? Trying to bond with kids every weekend — when they want quality time with a birth parent they don't see as often as they'd like — can be a difficult way to become friends with new stepchildren. Remember to put their needs first: If children want to spend time with their biological father, they should be able to do so. Sometimes moving away a little can help smooth the way to a better long-term relationship. ” 

New family, same limits

A wise stepfather will set the rules and limits of behavior within the home with his new spouse before getting married. Whatever the rules, it is important for children to see that everyone is governed by the same standard when it comes to congratulating or punishing.

Children are adept at perceiving and pointing out hypocrisy or favoritism. Being consistent in implementing the rules at home will help children transition to new or changed rules at home.

When it comes to rules, adults should work together and in harmony. Any disagreement or possible changes should be discussed in private by the parents.

As a stepfather, you should be willing to discuss the rules with your children and help them understand any rules with which they are not familiar. By doing this, you can show that you are truly concerned about the happiness and safety of your children. This is a sign of how much you love them.

Explain the rules in the presence of all children — those who are not your biological children and those who are. Remember, fairness in maintaining and enforcing rules within the home is very important.

Something old, something new (past and present)

A stepfather will listen to things like "When dad was here, we used to do ..." or "When mom was alive, every Sunday we ...". Family traditions are a hallmark of family union. Adults and children alike enjoy routines that not only bring the family together, but produce happy and fulfilling experiences that will be fondly remembered for weeks and months. Although a stepparent is not the "replacement" for the birth parent, he or she may suddenly find ways to enjoy and share in these special opportunities.

In fact, a new family that has been mixed can forge new family traditions. Activities like biking, horseback riding, scrapbooking, or hiking can create strong bonds within a new family. Ask the children what they would like to do and ask for feedback when they have done activities together .

Respect for all

Whether the biological father is alive or dead, the stepfather needs to show respect and delicacy regarding the relationship the biological father has with the children. In some cases the relationship continues and the children will continue to visit the biological father. Wisdom dictates that the stepfather must never dishonor or disrespect the biological father.

Children sometimes go on to praise the stepfather while making derogatory comments to describe the biological father. This could be a good opportunity for the stepfather to teach the children to learn about compassion and patience with others. It would be helpful if the stepfather asked the children to pray for the struggling birth parent.

Appear from the role of stepfather

Children require upbringing regardless of age. There are different tools for parenting according to age, but the fact is that — whether you are the biological father or the stepfather, you have a great responsibility to help shape and shape children's minds.

The apostle Paul said to the parents: "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in discipline and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6: 4).

Will there be obstacles along the way? Of course yes! Are the children going to test the limits of the house rules? Yes. When these and other issues arise in the day-to-day running of a home, the question is, are those who are responsible for the well-being of the children going to appear and raise them?

The Bible tells us that children are a beautiful gift from God (Psalms 127: 3-4). These "gifts" may never admit it, but they are looking for good, capable adults to show them how to live a structured life. A wise stepfather who is not afraid to lead by example, will appear in person and patiently raise his children for their benefit in the future.