When forgiveness is difficult

We all need God to forgive us. But we also need to learn to forgive, even when it is difficult. These three tips can help you. 

Being a Christian is not easy.

But being Jesus Christ was not either. Who among us could have done it as well as He did, living in a world where the very sinners for whom He would give His life would be their executioners? And what is more impressive: while Christ was literally sacrificing himself for them, he asked God with a love and mercy that we can hardly imagine: "Father, forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34).

Any one of us who genuinely repents and seeks the blessing of God's forgiveness to be cleansed of his sins must commit himself to walk as Christ walked — to follow his example. And sooner or later, that path will lead us to one of life's greatest challenges: telling God to "forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors" (Matthew 6:12).

Over and over again, millions of people have repeated these words as part of the "Our Father" without actually applying them. Perhaps this is why, conscious of our human tendency, Jesus reiterated and underlined the importance of forgiveness immediately after concluding his model prayer: “Because if you forgive men their offenses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their offenses, your Father will not forgive your offenses either ”(Matthew 6: 14-15).

Yes, that's how important forgiveness is to God.

Fortunately, many of the things that others do to us are relatively easy to forgive. But what about difficult ones? What happens to the occasions when they have abused us so much, or hurt us so much that the depth of the pain makes it almost impossible for us to think of forgiveness instead of revenge or punishment?

Sin hurts; and in a world full of sin it is almost inevitable that at some point we must face the difficult spiritual challenge of forgiving someone with the same sincerity that Christ did.

But God never asks us for the impossible; Just fair. And he also promises us his help in our fight to do his will.

The following three tips can help you do what is right in God's eyes: forgive even when it is difficult.

1. Hard work, time and repetition

For humans, forgiveness is generally a process that requires hard work, time, and repetition. This is because we often lack God's ability to say, "I forgive you," and forgive forever. 

God, "As far as the east is from the west, [it] causes our transgressions to depart from us" (Psalm 103: 12). But in our case, although we can tell someone that we forgive him and at that moment really forgive him, it is possible that the memories of the damage caused bombard us for a long time, bringing with him new feelings of resentment. It takes time —perhaps weeks, months, or years— and going through the same process several times for the desired forgiveness to finally settle in our minds.

Long ago I met a person who was left with very deep emotional wounds after having endured a situation of abuse for a long time. Even long after escaping from that terrible relationship, the victim (understandably) was still struggling with resentment. However, she understood that if she didn't get rid of the resentment, it would turn into bitterness; bitterness, in hatred, and hatred would destroy it. Forgiveness was the only way out.

Years later, the person confessed to me that forgiving had definitely taken her five long years — five years! —Of hard work and asking God to help her forgive and not be bitter. One day, he told me, he finally realized: "the rancor disappeared!"; It was as if the bitterness had finally gone completely and forgiveness had settled in to stay.

But this happened only because she worked hard spiritually. He knew it was the right thing to do and persevered. He never said, "Well, this forgiveness thing doesn't seem to be for me," but he kept trying and trying, and asking God because he knew it was the right thing to do.

The process of overcoming anger and sadness to forgive can definitely take a lot of repetition and effort. It is certainly easier to hold a grudge than to cultivate love.

But what God tells us is: “Take away from you all bitterness, anger, rage, shouting and gossip, and all malice. Before you be kind to one another, merciful, forgiving one another, as God also forgave you in Christ ”(Ephesians 4: 31-32).

It is easy? Not worth it? Of course! As the lady in the story told me, only through forgiveness can you live now with a wonderful peace of mind.

Forget about "forgive and forget"

The only thing we succeed in believing that God asks us to “forgive and forget” is to enter a dead end.

Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Only God, in his great perfection, has the ability not to remember faults. As he says in Hebrews 8:12 and 10:17, "I will never again remember his sins and his iniquities."

I have spoken with many people overwhelmed by their memories of the sins of others, because they conclude: "I should not have forgiven him because, if so, I would not remember what he did."

Wouldn't it be great to be able to forget so much of what has hurt us in life? Maybe. But in his wisdom, God created us with memory so that we learn to use it for our good.

In fact, on several occasions the Bible tells us to remember; and some of those memories are not at all pleasant. In Deuteronomy, for example, God says to the Israelites five times, "Remember that you were slaves." Remembering her days of brutal slavery, when her children were killed, must have been a terrible thing!

Why would God make them relive that? So that they did not forget that He was the one who saved them: "Remember that you were a servant in the land of Egypt, and that Jehovah your God led you out of there with a strong hand and outstretched arm" (Deuteronomy 5:15).

“And remember that you were a servant in Egypt; therefore you will keep and keep these statutes ”(Deuteronomy 16:12). God's purpose was not for you to relive your pain, but to learn life's lessons and strive to obey Him.

So if you are struggling to forgive the sins that others have committed against you and you realize that you still remember the past, it does not mean that you do not have the ability to forgive.

The good news is that when there is true forgiveness, memories of bad experiences often fade, simply because old wounds are no longer so easily irritated. Does that mean we will never remember what happened? No. In life sometimes things happen that bring to mind painful events from the past.  

However, the effect of that memory depends on what we do with it. If it makes us emotionally explode, makes us angry or depresses us, it means that once again we must go through the forgiveness process that we surely went through before.

But that same memory, even if it is bad, can become a wonderful tool to keep us on track.

The apostle Paul, for example, said in Philippians 3:13: "One thing I do: certainly forgetting what lies behind, and extending myself to what lies ahead." The interesting thing is that just a few verses ago Paul had recalled in detail horrible things from his past, like when he persecuted members of the Church — things he considered the trash of his life!

Had I really forgotten "what's left behind"? Obviously not. What the apostle was trying to say is that his memories now only motivated him to serve God and, therefore, he could move on with his life. The memories were not gone, but now he could say to himself, "Forget it! All that has already happened! ”

Forgiving does not mean that we will never remember the past again; it means putting the past in the right place. Do not worry about achieving the impossible: "forgive and forget." Just forgive and God will help you learn from your past without the need to live in it.

The fallacy of "forgiving yourself"

And what happens when the main cause of our pain is ... ourselves? Many people cling to the idea that "God has forgiven me, but I just can't forgive myself." 

It is interesting that nowhere in the Bible does it say that we should learn to forgive ourselves, probably because this is just an idea of ​​modern self-help philosophy. What God does say is:

Repent and change; stop doing the things you've been doing wrong.

Once you have repented, accept that God forgives you, has paid for your sins, and has forgotten them forever.

Then strive to forgive others as you have been forgiven to develop the mind and character of God.

God designed this wonderful process to heal us emotionally and spiritually. The key is not to forgive ourselves, but to accept the truth — to accept that we are forgiven.  

Remember what we read in Philippians 3 about Paul's persecution of the Church. He never said that "he couldn't forgive himself"; he simply accepted that he had been forgiven.  

We are not the ones who heal; It is God who does it! It is true that we all regret things we did in the past, but nothing we do now can justify, repair or erase our mistakes. Only God can do that; only He can forgive us.

And when it does, isn't that enough? Let us not try to be more just than God by saying, "He may forgive me, but I cannot forgive myself." Again, the key is not to forgive ourselves, but to accept that He forgives us.

Accepting God's forgiveness is the only way to clear our way and move on.

Forgiving is divine

The famous phrase of the English poet Alexander Pope - "To err is human, to forgive is divine" - illustrates a very important concept: forgiveness is based on a model of divine behavior. Christ was crucified for our sins, but even so offers us forgiveness, then we ask that we extend that same grace to others.